Friendship

There is this corny card out there that says, "The best type of ship is a friendship." However, I think I'm stuck on a canoe, alone, by myself in the midst of the Pacific Ocean. I don't mean to feel sorry for myself, but I unfortunately have been A LOT lately. I have a handful of friends, a few of them which *I THINK* I am fairly close with. I feel like some of my friendships are pretty one sided though or rather I think the friendship is better than the other person thinks.

I don't think I'd feel so lousy about the circumstances, if I didn't feel like such a loser. It has been hard for me to go from a military community to NOT knowing a single person up here, other than Nick's family. I was lucky, i had some pretty awesome friends and it was so easy to make friends when Nick was attached to a boat.

I should go do some home work or something, instead of feeling sorry for myself. Hopefully, the next time I blog, I have something better to say!

Grad School

What to be when I grow up? What to be... that is the question of the day.
What the hell am I going to do with a sociology degree? I am a big fat loser. I know there are things I want to do , but I kind of royally screwed up at first in college... I don't have the gpa to do what I want to do now. :( Boo! And I just needed to vent about that.
The end.

Motherhood Pet Peeves.

I love motherhood more than I ever thought I could. Even though, I tend to complain about it, I love staying at home with Harper. I just wish I could contribute more to the family and you know have my own stash of money. :) Harper is such a happy baby and she makes me smile and giggle every single day.

I tend to not listen to everyone else when it comes to raising my child? Why? Because it's my child. Now, I won't stay I don't listen to people, because I do. Like the doctor, our parents, some of our family and close friends. Harper is breastfed and cloth diapered about 90% of the time. Here's my issue though: I HATE WHEN PEOPLE push this onto other people. It was my choice to do these things BECAUSE i am at home with her, because it was best for our family. It might not be best for everyone else's family. I just hate when stuff like that is pushed down my throat and I know others do too.

I also wish that it was easier to make friends when you have a baby. I'm so freakin' lonely. I feel like I need to put a personal ad. 24yo mom seeks friend for her and 10 month old baby. Like going to the park, swimming classes, story time and taking a ride in the stroller. Harper LOVES other little kids. She giggles uncontrollably whenever she is around them. I know daycare will be good for her in the fall when I put enroll her.

And that's all I've got for now. There's a reason this blog is called Lost in rambles. :) All I do is ramble from one thing to another.

Happiness Vs. Anger

Harper's going to be 10 months old next week. It's hard for me to believe that she's going be a year in 2 months. She makes me so happy. I love being a mommy. I love watching her and Nick interact. She definitely is a daddy's girl already. I am so glad that he is able to be home with her most days after work...and I'm even more happy that he's out of active duty navy!

But with that being said, I'm still holding a lot of anger towards his last boat. I can't believe someone could tell someone who was more or less devastated that he was missing his daughter's birth.... that they DON'T DESERVE to be home for the birth of the child. God, I am so flipping mad still. I want to punch people in the face. I want them to miss the most important day of their life. I am so angry still and I don't know how to not be angry about it. I know Nick wasn't a super sailor...but he got in trouble ONE time...and it was dismissed and I've seen people do stupider shit and they didn't have to miss their child's birth....

So, here I am 10 months later. Still pissed. Still angry. Still Sad.....but I know I am lucky. I just wish that I could let go of the anger.

Randoms

Twenty four. That's how old I am now. I feel as though I've aged rather quickly. I might be twenty four, but I feel old and frumpy like a 45 year old woman. Birthday has come and gone.. Was pretty quiet, and a little stressful. Harper ran a fever for 4 days and we had to take her into the doctor on my birthday!! ( Thank you for weekend hours!) They did a test and checked her ears, and decided it was something viral. It was still pretty stressful to watch your active 7.5 month old go from crawling around and getting into everything to laying in your lap and just wanting to cuddle ALL day. Thankfully, she's been fever free for 24 hours and is almost 100% completely back to normal. She's still a bit cranky, but I figure I would be too if I was sick for four days. Hell, I'm a bit cranky too but I think that is due to my lack of sleep.

House hunting is going not so well. It's really a pain in the ass. Nick and I both know what we want and its pretty much the opposite of each other. We have to let the apartment know in 11 days whether or not we are staying here, otherwise we are stuck until at least June 15th. Its kind of stressful. I just want the perfect house for us to show up.

Classes start on Monday. This is my second to last semester and it's going to completely kick my ass. My courses are as follows Modern Sociological Theory(has potential to be my favorite. , Art History: Modern Painting from 1850-1900(eh), Introduction Ocean Sciences (not my cup of tea--but at least its an introduction!), World Society (meh) , and History of Sociological Theory(The sociology major in me should be excited, but as an online class i can guarantee it will be BORING!). It will be an interesting semester that is for sure. I'm aiming for a 4.0 this year. It's one of my goals for the year. However, we'll have to see. Between Harper, house hunting, moving, school, being a "housewife" (which I might add, I suck at), its likely that I won't sleep very much.

Today while driving, I saw a bumper that said "Abort Obama, Not Babies". I was disgusted for so many reasons. Lets begin with the fact that I HATE abortion bumper stickers and abortion billboards. Its fine if you don't believe in it, I get it. I'm not saying its right, or its wrong...but I firmly believe in a woman's right to choose. You don't know the circumstances so mind your own damn business. Secondly, he's been office for one year. He's not a freakin' magician, he can't make all the problems go away with the snap of his fingers. Its going to take some time. I guess its just me but I freaking hate stupid bumper stickers. Especially ones that voice your opinion or as stupid as the one i saw that today. So that's my rant for today.

Going Private//What ifs?

I'm making my blog private... Plenty of reasons BUT the main reasons are: I do not want everyone one on the interwebz to be able to read what I've got to say and I want to be able to put pictures up. Since having Harper, I've gotten kind of paranoid about that and call me, petty, but there are some people who deserve to know NOTHING about me or see pictures of my baby! My Facebook is completely private if your not my friend, so all you can see is my profile picture.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

I don't regret the life I've chosen, but I do think about the what ifs every once in a while. What if things had been that way or maybe this way, ya know? I guess, mainly it's because I'm not a big fan of change, but I didn't last long at Mizzou. I hated Washington at first and now I'm not a huge fan of Wisconsin. It was hard to live in Washington and leave all my friends back in Columbia/St. Louis. It was hard to leave Washington and leave all my new friends. I became so close with so many people. It's easy to feel forgotten, especially when you basically have no life. What if I had stayed at Mizzou though? Where would my life be? It would be a lot different, I'd probably be in the Air Force which means the life I have now wouldn't exist. I wouldn't be getting ready to celebrate four years of being married with Nick and I wouldn't have Harper. I probably wouldn't be up to my eyeballs in student loans. I probably wouldn't have met people like Joline, Micah, Steph, Jamie and all the other people. I probably wouldn't be house hunting. I probably wouldn't be married. I probably wouldn't be slightly ( okay A LOT ) out of shape. I probably wouldn't happy, either. So despite all the of that, I'm glad my life has turned out the way it has. I'm happy that I left the St. Louis area. I'm glad I had to deal with the patrols, because I appreciate Nick a lot more. I'm glad that I got to experience life. Most of all, I'm glad my life has turned out the way it has.

Update on my list:

So I am not that computer savvy, so you'll have to excuse the repeats that are within the list. Here's my goals and whats been accomplished so far. :)

1. Lose 25lbs
2. Run/walk a 5k.
3. Join some kind of exercise class/play group/moms group so that Harper and I can make friends. ((Done: Harper and I start mommy and me swimming lessons the first week of january!!)
4. Buy a house
5. Graduate
6. Decide what I want to do when I "grow up"
7. Decide on grad school--determine where I want to go.
8. Buy new living room furniture.
9. Start saving for my super fancy formal dining room.
10. Paint all the rooms after #4 is accomplished. Make Harper’s room "hers"
11. Get a park membership.
12. Try to get a weekend away with Nick
13. Be done Christmas shopping by December 10, 2010.
14. Plan our 5 year anniversary/honeymoon trip for 2011
15. Start a couple more savings accounts.
16. Walk/run 2 or 3 times a week with Harper
17. Get a membership to the County Park.
18. Digi-scrap or hand scrap Harper's first year of life.
19. Get rid of all clothes I haven't worn in over a year.
20. Continue to go the library--read 15 books for fun this year. (aiming very low due to heavy course load @ school) book 1 (1/2/09)
21. 4.0 for school
22. Send a 'thinking of you' card to an unexpecting friend each month
23. Set a routine/schedule and stick to it.
24. Update my blog a couple times a month.
25. Finish baby blankets I started before I was even pregnant with Harper.
26. learn to crochet
27. Crochet a baby blanket.
28. Stop using plastic/paper bags at grocery store...use my eco-friendly reusable bags.
29. Start paying on student loans.
30. If #4 is accomplished, plant flowers and landscape the house.
31. Cook one new meal every 2 weeks
32. Volunteer somewhere
33. Grow my hair out to at least
34. Do one thing for myself a month
35. Encourage and support Nick's half marathon/marathon dreams.
36. Work on being a better wife.
37. Plan a surprise for Nick and don't tell him about it.
38. Send a couple of care packages to our friends stationed overseas.
39. Take Harper to story time at least once a month.
40. Register to vote in Wisconsin.
41. Get my tattoo fixed
42. Go to a cardinals game in Milwaukee
43. Go to a Cardinals game in St. Louis
44. Take Harper to St. Louis to visit at least 3 times.
45. Go to Chicago for the weekend.
46. If Green Bay plays in St. Louis, buy Nick tickets to see them play.
47. Actually use my calendar and planner!
48. Find a hobby for Nick and I do together.
49. Take a class for fun.