Thoughts...

I'm trying to be a bigger, better person. I've got a goal set in mind, and I'm working on it, though today, I wasn't very good about it.

I don't know how to feel about anything right now. I just feel like I'm stuck in a place where I can't get out. I'm cranky. I'm aggravated. I'm happy. I am sad. I'm okay. I don't know what my deal is.

I'm aggravated. I'm tired of the way i see people treating each other. I am so sick of being around selfish people. I'm tired of watching people take advantage of each other. I hate being lied to..

Nothing else to say. I'm working on decreasing negativity.... just don't know how yet...

People.

I really am not always a cranky person. I lack patience and tolerance--that is my problem. I, also, can not stand ignorant people. I hate when people put their nose in where it doesn't belong. When all of these things are combined and I'm around it... then yes, I am cranky. But, I'm really typically a happy go lucky type of girl, not this cranky person.

I'll probably delete my blog again. I'm not really sure why I have this. Anyway, I had to get it off my chest that I'm not always cranky.

Positivity

So, one of my goals was to blog at least once a month, and I've obviously failed again. I think July was the third month I skipped!! (Of course, it wouldn't be a huge deal if it wasn't since January!) I was thrilled with July ending though, despite August looking like it's going to be a hectic month.

I have needed to get this off my chest and I feel like if I blog it, I might be able to more eloquently express my feelings. On July 8th (a Thursday), I found I was on pregnant. I wasn't excited as I should have been. I was nervous about having Harper only 22 months older than any future siblings. I was worried about school and about money...but by Sunday, I was thrilled and happy. I have enough faith in life and Nick and I to know that we can make anything work. And, though I knew it would be a little tighter financially, we'd make it and our children would be best friends. However, the next day (July 12), I had a miscarriage. I was okay at first. Mentally and for the most part physically, I was okay. Again, I know things happen for a reason. Plus, with Harper, how do I have the time to be sad or to acknowledge any kind of discomfort? However, the next day it started to hit me. Though, only at night...and of course, like most women who have been in my position, I blamed myself. Was it because I dropped caffeine right away? Is it because I was still nursing Harper? Was it because I wasn't as excited at first as I should have been? I know ( okay, I don't, but I really hope) that it was none of those things. I like to believe that who ever is upstairs has a plan, and that is part of it.

Anyway, things seem to be better. My heart is healing. I wonder what people think though. I mean, I only knew I was pregnant for 4.5 days---do I have the right to feel this sad? Should I be this sad? Could I have stopped this? Do people think I'm making a big deal about this? I am sure that some people thought I was being dramatic on facebook. I was posting that I was sad/broken hearted, but I wasn't really saying what was going on. It just hurt too much to talk about it--and so only a few close friends knew besides our immediately family.

Along with this, Nick had long month with work, school, and homework. So, July pretty much sucked. August has been better, aside from the car deciding to have a breakdown this month. Last week, the battery died. Today, the car got a flat tire. Thankfully, I was less than a quarter of a mile from my house. A couple of other things are going to make a stink in my month, but I'm determined to make August better than July and September better than August. I'm going to try my hardest to be positive about everything. I'm determined to increase my level of positivity.


I looked at about 10 quotes on positivity...and I liked these, so I'm going to share them.


“Fear less, hope more; Eat less, chew more; Whine less, breathe more; Talk less, say more; Love more, and all good things will be yours” Swedish Proverb

“A pessimist sees the difficulty in every opportunity; an optimist sees the opportunity in every difficulty.” Winston Churchill

“Once you replace negative thoughts with positive ones, you'll start having positive results.” Willie Nelson


Until next time.... ( when I, of course, have an upbeat, super happy post!!)

I've got to change my ways.

I'm going to start "logging" my exercise/food habits on here. I've got to hold myself accountable and change my ways. I don't want to have heart disease. I don't want to be overweight anymore. I don't want to see fatty mcfatterson when i look in the mirror. As Harper starts to walk, I want to chase her, I want to run up hills after her, and I want to see her children's children. So i'm going to start walking/running again. I'm going to eat better and I'm going to kick soda's habit cold turkey. I did a 1 mile today with Harper ( Harper weighs 24lbs, and I believe my jogging stroller is 26lbs. So, I'd say pushing 50lbs--that's not TOO bad. Next, I'll be cleaning out the pantry.

Oops.

Crap, another month slipped by without an entry in this damn blog.. Oopsies. Life has been hectic, I guess. We finally bought a house and we moved in and with school and Harper growing up, I really don't sit down and think to blog. I just watch life flash by.

I can't believe my baby is almost 1.

And though I'd like to say more, that's all I've got right now. I've gotta focus on sustainable development and globalization right now.

Update on goals

So that I hold myself accountable!

From my blog:

1. Lose 25lbs
2. Run/walk a 5k.
3. Join some kind of exercise class/play group/moms group so that Harper and I can make friends. ((Accomplished--Mommy and Me swimming lessons start first week of January))
4. Buy a house **we close on April 15th!**
5. Graduate
6. Decide what I want to do when I "grow up"
7. Decide on grad school--determine where I want to go.
8. Buy new living room furniture.
9. Start saving for my super fancy formal dining room.
10. Paint all the rooms after #4 is accomplished. Make Harper’s room "hers"
11. Get a park membership.
12. Try to get a weekend away with Nick
13. Be done Christmas shopping by December 10, 2010.
14. Plan our 5 year anniversary/honeymoon trip for 2011
15. Start a couple more savings accounts.
16. Walk/run 2 or 3 times a week with Harper
17. Get a membership to the County Park.
18. Digi-scrap or hand scrap Harper's first year of life.
19. Get rid of all clothes I haven't worn in over a year.
20. Continue to go the library--read 15 books for fun this year. (aiming very low due to heavy course load @ school) **on book #4**
21. 4.0 for school
22. Send a 'thinking of you' card to an unexpecting friend each month (01/10-sent) (2/10-sent) (3/10 sent)
23. Set a routine/schedule and stick to it.
24. Update my blog a couple times a month " lostinrambles.blogspot.com* **didn't update at all in Feb**
25. Finish baby blankets I started before I was even pregnant with Harper.
26. learn to crochet
27. Crochet a baby blanket.
28. Stop using plastic/paper bags at grocery store...use my eco-friendly reusable bags.
29. Start paying on student loans.
30. If #4 is accomplished, plant flowers and landscape the house.
31. Cook one new meal every 2 weeks
32. Volunteer somewhere
33. Grow my hair out to at least
34. Do one thing for myself a month
35. Encourage and support Nick's half marathon/marathon dreams.
36. Work on being a better wife.
37. Plan a surprise for Nick and don't tell him about it.
38. Send a couple of care packages to our friends stationed overseas.
39. Take Harper to story time at least once a month.
40. Register to vote in Wisconsin.
41. Get my tattoo fixed
42. Go to a cardinals game in Milwaukee (april 9th)
43. Go to a Cardinals game in St. Louis
44. Take Harper to St. Louis to visit at least 3 times. (one visit down!)
45. Go to Chicago for the weekend.
46. If Green Bay plays in St. Louis, buy Nick tickets to see them play.
47. Actually use my calendar and planner! * so far so good*
48. Find a hobby for Nick and I do together.
49. Take a class for fun.

Friendship

There is this corny card out there that says, "The best type of ship is a friendship." However, I think I'm stuck on a canoe, alone, by myself in the midst of the Pacific Ocean. I don't mean to feel sorry for myself, but I unfortunately have been A LOT lately. I have a handful of friends, a few of them which *I THINK* I am fairly close with. I feel like some of my friendships are pretty one sided though or rather I think the friendship is better than the other person thinks.

I don't think I'd feel so lousy about the circumstances, if I didn't feel like such a loser. It has been hard for me to go from a military community to NOT knowing a single person up here, other than Nick's family. I was lucky, i had some pretty awesome friends and it was so easy to make friends when Nick was attached to a boat.

I should go do some home work or something, instead of feeling sorry for myself. Hopefully, the next time I blog, I have something better to say!

Grad School

What to be when I grow up? What to be... that is the question of the day.
What the hell am I going to do with a sociology degree? I am a big fat loser. I know there are things I want to do , but I kind of royally screwed up at first in college... I don't have the gpa to do what I want to do now. :( Boo! And I just needed to vent about that.
The end.

Motherhood Pet Peeves.

I love motherhood more than I ever thought I could. Even though, I tend to complain about it, I love staying at home with Harper. I just wish I could contribute more to the family and you know have my own stash of money. :) Harper is such a happy baby and she makes me smile and giggle every single day.

I tend to not listen to everyone else when it comes to raising my child? Why? Because it's my child. Now, I won't stay I don't listen to people, because I do. Like the doctor, our parents, some of our family and close friends. Harper is breastfed and cloth diapered about 90% of the time. Here's my issue though: I HATE WHEN PEOPLE push this onto other people. It was my choice to do these things BECAUSE i am at home with her, because it was best for our family. It might not be best for everyone else's family. I just hate when stuff like that is pushed down my throat and I know others do too.

I also wish that it was easier to make friends when you have a baby. I'm so freakin' lonely. I feel like I need to put a personal ad. 24yo mom seeks friend for her and 10 month old baby. Like going to the park, swimming classes, story time and taking a ride in the stroller. Harper LOVES other little kids. She giggles uncontrollably whenever she is around them. I know daycare will be good for her in the fall when I put enroll her.

And that's all I've got for now. There's a reason this blog is called Lost in rambles. :) All I do is ramble from one thing to another.

Happiness Vs. Anger

Harper's going to be 10 months old next week. It's hard for me to believe that she's going be a year in 2 months. She makes me so happy. I love being a mommy. I love watching her and Nick interact. She definitely is a daddy's girl already. I am so glad that he is able to be home with her most days after work...and I'm even more happy that he's out of active duty navy!

But with that being said, I'm still holding a lot of anger towards his last boat. I can't believe someone could tell someone who was more or less devastated that he was missing his daughter's birth.... that they DON'T DESERVE to be home for the birth of the child. God, I am so flipping mad still. I want to punch people in the face. I want them to miss the most important day of their life. I am so angry still and I don't know how to not be angry about it. I know Nick wasn't a super sailor...but he got in trouble ONE time...and it was dismissed and I've seen people do stupider shit and they didn't have to miss their child's birth....

So, here I am 10 months later. Still pissed. Still angry. Still Sad.....but I know I am lucky. I just wish that I could let go of the anger.

Randoms

Twenty four. That's how old I am now. I feel as though I've aged rather quickly. I might be twenty four, but I feel old and frumpy like a 45 year old woman. Birthday has come and gone.. Was pretty quiet, and a little stressful. Harper ran a fever for 4 days and we had to take her into the doctor on my birthday!! ( Thank you for weekend hours!) They did a test and checked her ears, and decided it was something viral. It was still pretty stressful to watch your active 7.5 month old go from crawling around and getting into everything to laying in your lap and just wanting to cuddle ALL day. Thankfully, she's been fever free for 24 hours and is almost 100% completely back to normal. She's still a bit cranky, but I figure I would be too if I was sick for four days. Hell, I'm a bit cranky too but I think that is due to my lack of sleep.

House hunting is going not so well. It's really a pain in the ass. Nick and I both know what we want and its pretty much the opposite of each other. We have to let the apartment know in 11 days whether or not we are staying here, otherwise we are stuck until at least June 15th. Its kind of stressful. I just want the perfect house for us to show up.

Classes start on Monday. This is my second to last semester and it's going to completely kick my ass. My courses are as follows Modern Sociological Theory(has potential to be my favorite. , Art History: Modern Painting from 1850-1900(eh), Introduction Ocean Sciences (not my cup of tea--but at least its an introduction!), World Society (meh) , and History of Sociological Theory(The sociology major in me should be excited, but as an online class i can guarantee it will be BORING!). It will be an interesting semester that is for sure. I'm aiming for a 4.0 this year. It's one of my goals for the year. However, we'll have to see. Between Harper, house hunting, moving, school, being a "housewife" (which I might add, I suck at), its likely that I won't sleep very much.

Today while driving, I saw a bumper that said "Abort Obama, Not Babies". I was disgusted for so many reasons. Lets begin with the fact that I HATE abortion bumper stickers and abortion billboards. Its fine if you don't believe in it, I get it. I'm not saying its right, or its wrong...but I firmly believe in a woman's right to choose. You don't know the circumstances so mind your own damn business. Secondly, he's been office for one year. He's not a freakin' magician, he can't make all the problems go away with the snap of his fingers. Its going to take some time. I guess its just me but I freaking hate stupid bumper stickers. Especially ones that voice your opinion or as stupid as the one i saw that today. So that's my rant for today.

Going Private//What ifs?

I'm making my blog private... Plenty of reasons BUT the main reasons are: I do not want everyone one on the interwebz to be able to read what I've got to say and I want to be able to put pictures up. Since having Harper, I've gotten kind of paranoid about that and call me, petty, but there are some people who deserve to know NOTHING about me or see pictures of my baby! My Facebook is completely private if your not my friend, so all you can see is my profile picture.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

I don't regret the life I've chosen, but I do think about the what ifs every once in a while. What if things had been that way or maybe this way, ya know? I guess, mainly it's because I'm not a big fan of change, but I didn't last long at Mizzou. I hated Washington at first and now I'm not a huge fan of Wisconsin. It was hard to live in Washington and leave all my friends back in Columbia/St. Louis. It was hard to leave Washington and leave all my new friends. I became so close with so many people. It's easy to feel forgotten, especially when you basically have no life. What if I had stayed at Mizzou though? Where would my life be? It would be a lot different, I'd probably be in the Air Force which means the life I have now wouldn't exist. I wouldn't be getting ready to celebrate four years of being married with Nick and I wouldn't have Harper. I probably wouldn't be up to my eyeballs in student loans. I probably wouldn't have met people like Joline, Micah, Steph, Jamie and all the other people. I probably wouldn't be house hunting. I probably wouldn't be married. I probably wouldn't be slightly ( okay A LOT ) out of shape. I probably wouldn't happy, either. So despite all the of that, I'm glad my life has turned out the way it has. I'm happy that I left the St. Louis area. I'm glad I had to deal with the patrols, because I appreciate Nick a lot more. I'm glad that I got to experience life. Most of all, I'm glad my life has turned out the way it has.

Update on my list:

So I am not that computer savvy, so you'll have to excuse the repeats that are within the list. Here's my goals and whats been accomplished so far. :)

1. Lose 25lbs
2. Run/walk a 5k.
3. Join some kind of exercise class/play group/moms group so that Harper and I can make friends. ((Done: Harper and I start mommy and me swimming lessons the first week of january!!)
4. Buy a house
5. Graduate
6. Decide what I want to do when I "grow up"
7. Decide on grad school--determine where I want to go.
8. Buy new living room furniture.
9. Start saving for my super fancy formal dining room.
10. Paint all the rooms after #4 is accomplished. Make Harper’s room "hers"
11. Get a park membership.
12. Try to get a weekend away with Nick
13. Be done Christmas shopping by December 10, 2010.
14. Plan our 5 year anniversary/honeymoon trip for 2011
15. Start a couple more savings accounts.
16. Walk/run 2 or 3 times a week with Harper
17. Get a membership to the County Park.
18. Digi-scrap or hand scrap Harper's first year of life.
19. Get rid of all clothes I haven't worn in over a year.
20. Continue to go the library--read 15 books for fun this year. (aiming very low due to heavy course load @ school) book 1 (1/2/09)
21. 4.0 for school
22. Send a 'thinking of you' card to an unexpecting friend each month
23. Set a routine/schedule and stick to it.
24. Update my blog a couple times a month.
25. Finish baby blankets I started before I was even pregnant with Harper.
26. learn to crochet
27. Crochet a baby blanket.
28. Stop using plastic/paper bags at grocery store...use my eco-friendly reusable bags.
29. Start paying on student loans.
30. If #4 is accomplished, plant flowers and landscape the house.
31. Cook one new meal every 2 weeks
32. Volunteer somewhere
33. Grow my hair out to at least
34. Do one thing for myself a month
35. Encourage and support Nick's half marathon/marathon dreams.
36. Work on being a better wife.
37. Plan a surprise for Nick and don't tell him about it.
38. Send a couple of care packages to our friends stationed overseas.
39. Take Harper to story time at least once a month.
40. Register to vote in Wisconsin.
41. Get my tattoo fixed
42. Go to a cardinals game in Milwaukee
43. Go to a Cardinals game in St. Louis
44. Take Harper to St. Louis to visit at least 3 times.
45. Go to Chicago for the weekend.
46. If Green Bay plays in St. Louis, buy Nick tickets to see them play.
47. Actually use my calendar and planner!
48. Find a hobby for Nick and I do together.
49. Take a class for fun.

NYE

It's 7:25pm on NYE and I'm sitting at the dining room table. Harper's passed out, Nick's watching Evan Almighty and I'm reflecting on the year that's gone by. It feels like it was just yesterday I was at the Vines' house ringing in 2009. The year has been whirlwind.

Reflecting on the bad…

I really consider myself lucky. Yes, it was hard losing some friendships, and it was hard watching some of my friends go through some really really hard times, especially when there wasn’t anything I could do. I had to move away from my Washington friends and I had to find another home for Vince, our dog. I dealt with some bad luck in regards to the Navy and Nick missing the birth of Harper, but in the grand scheme of things, I really feel like I was one of the lucky ones this year.

Now to move on to the good:

Joline found out she was pregnant at the beginning of the year and subsequently produced Harper’s bff: D3.

Danielle and David found out they were expecting a little girl!! Yay!

John and Aubrey got married and Harper and I were able to make it to the wedding.

Jaimee and Andrew got married and Nick and I were able to go to the reception.

We moved from Washington to Wisconsin with no big issues.

My friendships with people grew stronger!

For the first time in over 6 years, Nick and I were able to spend all the major holidays from October on, together, without worry that he’d be called into work or be out to sea..etc.

Nick was able to get an early out!!!!! =)

Nick’s not deployable in the reserves for at least 2 years!

I had Harper and Nick was able to meet her 6.5 short weeks later.

I've watched Harper grow over the past 7months. :) She has such the little personality. Perfect mixture of Nick and myself.

I can finally see an end in sight with school--graduation is a year away!

Nick was accepted to UWM, too!

I was able to make 4 trips to St. Louis this year. :)

I'm able to stay at home with Harper and I'm realizing I'm not that bad of a cook. :)

There are so many more good things that happened but I have mommy brain and can't think.

Reasons to look forward to 2010:

1. Freakin' graduation

2. Look at my list below--I have lots of goals to accomplish!

3. My baby is going to be 1 in five months!

4. My insurance rates are going to go down--Nick's going to be 25! :)

5. Closer to family.

6. Get to see the St. Louis Cardinal's play.

7. We will hopefully be buying a house soon!

**More to come!!***

I'm going to close this blog...and go enjoy the last of the decade. I hope that everyone has a safe and happy 2010.

Goals for 2010

I made a list of goals I'd like to achieve in 2010. I'll probably come back and add more to this as I think of. I think this will help me hold myself accountable and will help me complete these goals as 2010 goes by.

1. Lose 25lbs

2. Run/walk a 5k.

3. Join some kind of exercise class/play group/moms group so that Harper and I can make friends.

4. Buy a house

5. Graduate

6. Decide what I want to do when I "grow up"

7. Decide on grad school--determine where I want to go.

8. Buy new living room furniture.

9. Start saving for my super fancy formal dining room.

10. Paint all the rooms after #4 is accomplished. Make Harper’s room "hers"

11. Get a park membership.

12. Try to get a weekend away with Nick

13. Be done Christmas shopping by December 10, 2010.

14. Plan our 5 year anniversary/honeymoon trip for 2011

15. Start a couple more savings accounts.

16. Walk/run 2 or 3 times a week with Harper

17. Get a membership to the County Park.

18. Digi-scrap or hand scrap Harper's first year of life.

19. Get rid of all clothes I haven't worn in over a year.

20. Continue to go the library--read 15 books for fun this year. (aiming very low due to heavy course load @ school)

21. 4.0 for school

22. Send a 'thinking of you' card to an unexpecting friend each month

23. Set a routine/schedule and stick to it.

24. Update my blog a couple times a month.

25. Finish baby blankets I started before I was even pregnant with Harper.

26. learn to crochet

27. Crochet a baby blanket.

28. Stop using plastic/paper bags at grocery store...use my eco-friendly reusable bags.

29. Start paying on student loans.

30. If #4 is accomplished, plant flowers and landscape the house.

31. Cook one new meal every 2 weeks

32. Volunteer somewhere

33. Grow my hair out to at least

34. Do one thing for myself a month

35. Encourage and support Nick's half marathon/marathon dreams.

36. Work on being a better wife.

37. Plan a surprise for Nick and don't tell him about it.

38. Send a couple of care packages to our friends stationed overseas.

39. Take Harper to story time at least once a month.

40. Register to vote in Wisconsin.

41. Get my tattoo fixed

42. Go to a cardinals game in Milwaukee

43. Go to a Cardinals game in St. Louis

44. Take Harper to St. Louis to visit at least 3 times.

45. Go to Chicago for the weekend.

46. If Green Bay plays in St. Louis, buy Nick tickets to see them play.

47. Actually use my calendar and planner!

48. Find a hobby for Nick and I do together.

49. Take a class for fun.

Blogging

I am going to try to blog more often. I have friends that blog all the time and I really enjoy reading their blogs. With friends all over the country ((thank you military)), it's really a good way to stay in touch. I had a blog a while ago, but I didn't keep up with it, so I decide to start over, thus creating this new blog. I'll try to fill it with pictures of Harper, our life in Wisconsin, my opinions and views on life but I'm afraid it will be mostly rambles.

To update the world on our life:

Nick got out of the USN on Oct 1. Now he is a reservist (I'll refer to that as "play navy" in future blogs) and is working for the family business. I've been accepted to University of Wisconsin-Milwaukee and found out (much to my surprise) that I will probably be graduating Dec 2010 as opposed to late 2011 like I had expected. I am stoked.

Harper is 6 months old now. She's cutting her first teeth...doctor says by Christmas she'll have 2 teeth... I'm pretty sure she'll have one within the next week or so as I can feel the edge of one coming out. She crawled to me last night (as I was holding the target ad--I'm convinced that's why!) but it was only a crawl. She prefers the military scoot/roll/crawl mixture.

One of my goals for 2010 is to blog regularly, so hopefully this will become a regular occurrence. I've got a lot to say but for now I need to clean up, make lunch and relax before harper wakes up.